"Another day and it feels the same. I am carrying a permanent feeling of unease. I can’t put my finger on what specifically it is that is causing it but I’m gonna generalise and assume it’s the current situation. Rationally thinking, not much is different for us. We don’t miss the cinemas, shops, pubs and restaurants. I miss the frequency of seeing my friends and family. I haven’t seen my grandad since July when we sat in his garden. I haven’t hugged him since December last year. I worry that he’ll die before we get to see him. I’ve now started to worry about what if something happens to me and the children find me dead in bed or something. I’m not even unwell or have any underlying health conditions but this is an unwelcome thought that has crept into my mind. I had a painfully bad back over the weekend (probably a mix of stress and how I sleep to accommodate my ever growing co-sleeping son) but it made me really acknowledge the dark side of that brief period of disability and feeling very alone as a single parent. I guess the usual distractions of normal life might prevent such thoughts happening ordinarily but this isn’t normal life at the moment!! I enjoyed a walk with a friend after doing the school run. It was a much needed walk and talk, outside in nature. I loved seeing this group of cows all eating in a line. This is what I need to do more of, as I feel so much better when I do. But some days the overwhelming feeling of anxiety about everything makes me reluctant to put in the effort, despite knowing how much better I would feel afterwards."

Connie G
Oct 7, 2020

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