"I get paid tomorrow. I'm so excited I could cry. Can't wait to get bills paid, get some good food in and just breath. I know the relief won't last long, not enough money for comfort just enough to survive. I've worked my budget out, got just enough to get kiddies two treats: 1) takeaway for all of us, so mummy can get a night of triggering cooking and kiddies get some tasty foods. 2) a cheap toy each off amazon, nothing fancy, they just deserve something to smile at. I don't like them feeling left out or undervalued. We'd normally, pre covid, go out on paydays. Maybe a trip to our town centre or to beach or too museum. But I'm too scared, I don't trust the news, I don't think the government is giving us the whole truth, I don't trust other people. Most people are lovely and taking suitable precautions, but it only takes one idiot and I've seen several idiots on our street alone, let alone in town. I just can't justify the risk in my mind. Very tempted. I've been fascinated by our town centre since we moved here. Beautiful Riverside town, got a small mall right next too the river, so the river is sort of invisible from the highstreet. Like most highstreet the stores are closing but our council seems to have a pretty good grasp of urban design and planning for the future. They do a variety of social events throughout the year, they've got attractions for the public, to encourage visits. I used to love taking kiddies into town, get some Coupland sausage rolls and play by the fountain or walk by the river with kiddies. I miss visiting the town just for the air, for the fun and for the sense of community it embodied. Something most towns lack these days. Our council has made plans to demolish the mall, turn that space into a community space, with grass and views of the river. The stores in the mall can move to empty highstreet spaces and the space becomes useful again. I am very much looking forward to seeing how this turns out. So shops in the mall will be moving to the highstreet, most aren't rushing, the plans are two years in the making so they've got plenty of time to decide what they'll do. But one store moves next week, poundland, a favourite store of mine. The new premises is more than twice the size. I'm eager to visit and explore and see how they set it all up. But I won't risk it yet. Urban planning and architecture is a hobby of mine, if I'd have been born a boy I'd have chosen it as my career, but I was born a girl and was pushed towards homemaking and childcare, as many girls were (which I'm very good at, I love my kids). If I could afford too, I'd return to university to study architecture and design, I'd love to see some of my hobby projects made real, but it's an impossible pipedream for me now. To go to uni I would loose my benefits, loose what little financial aid I have to protect my kids and provide for them, put myself in great debt with no hope of betterment. It's hopeless for people like me. We have no hope for better. We're not valued. The glass roof that holds the poor in place is too thick and too heavy. That's why I home school, well one of many reasons (main one being safety), I want my children to break free from the cycles that I'm trapped by. Of benefit dependancy, of psychological anguish and of the cycle of abuse so common to folk these days. I don't want them plagued by such things in adulthood. The idea of them being trapped by the same oppressive systems I'm trapped by makes me more scared than the idea of covid19. I'd happily give my life if it meant my children would have secure and comfortable futures. I'm a damn good teacher, I'm also quite the psudo philosophier, I think such skills can help my children to achieve better in life than I can ever hope to achieve. Its too late for me, not for them. The covid crisis has taught me that. Its not too late for them. "

Victoria B
Jul 30, 2020

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