"So sleepy, just constantly sleepy lately. I don't wanna clean anymore, or cook, or stress or paint or anything, just really wish I could have a nice long nap. Like for a few weeks maybe, that would be nice. Maybe wake up n find our country isn't such a mess. Only that wouldn't be realistic so oof to that idea. Instead of the above, I'm putting on a bonnie smile, playing with my amazing kids, bathing excessively and avoiding the news app on my phone cos it makes me mad now. Had to laugh the other day when I got a notification on Facebook from the government warning about corona related "mistruths" on social media, I mean, they'd know all about lying about the virus wouldn't they: "We are the British government and we're here to tell you today that you should only believe the lies that we tell you about the current pandemic, not the various news articles from celebrated scientists and scholars circulating online. No no no, only our lies will do. Trust us, your lives fill our bank accounts. Thank you, carry on." (I wrote that while imagining Ye Old Boris of Trump mumbling his way through it, its the little things lol). Like seriously, can't we just revolt (like the peasants revolts after the black death lol), kick him out and start from scratch with someone actually appointed by the people and not the ruddy farce of a "democracy" we claim to have. I tried joining some online groups, Labour and UBI stuff, last week. I joined in some zoom discussions, supposed to be "ways to foster change" and similar hopeful slogans. Just a bunch of upper middle class white folk going on about their experience and their ideas for society (one black lady seemingly added to hinder complaints). All talk, no actual action, not even any solid conclusions from the discussions. All aimed at the middle classes, yet again us at the bottom are patted on the head and told to let the tax payers speak. Really riles me up. I can't even do anything about it. I can't vote, I can't protest or such (I have children to look after, have to stay hidden from the ex). I also learnt this weekend that if I catch the virus and die, or heck die of any cause really, then my kids would "most likely be sent to their father" (even if I've written a will begging for my children's safety). To the man who threw my baby across a 13/14ft room cos she was crying and he was watching TV. The man who'd hit my daughter anytime she spoke without permission or dared to say no to an order. Who made both my kids sit still and silent for hours on a cushion on the floor just so he could dominate them and punish me for making him a cold brew or burning lunch. If I die my kids go to him? I'm horrified. I have no idea when I'll die but the way my body feels I have no trust in it to have many miles left, honestly I've no idea how I'm not dead yet everything I've been through so far. I'm in my 30s but my body is more like late 60s. How am I meant to guarantee my life for another 15 years until my children are safely old enough. I can't even guarantee I'll survive a sodding cold, let alone anything more serious. Oh but I'm meant to risk mine and my kids lives to find work and put them in school (over my dead effing body) just so I can die of the ruddy virus and have my kids tortured for the rest of their lives by a man who makes Lecter look like fine high tea company. I think effing not. I have to keep my kids safe. How many mothers (even fathers I suppose but I've not met any descent ones yet, in theory there must be some), but how many mothers are crying themselves to sleep each night, sick with worry and paralysed with fear for the wellbeing of their children? Once upon a time our work, our labour as mothers and caregivers was respected. Now, unless we're paying taxes we're worthless. How's that meme go now, "mothers: expected to work like they don't have children. And raise their children like they don't work." I'm frightened. I'm terrified of what's gonna happen during the rest of 2020. My fear has turned to a sort of simmering anger towards the powers at be that promised to help those of us who don't have the resources to help themselves (as demonstrated by my rant lol). I hate how hopeless all this feels. I do not feel safe, I'm keeping things as safe and as close to normal as I can for my kiddies, but I'm scared. And I'm angry. And I feel sick with dread everyday. But I'm also stubborn, I'm a survivor. So like the good British lass that I am, I'll stick on the kettle, a fresh smile and I'll just carry on carrying on. It's all I can do currently. "

Victoria B
Jul 20, 2020

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