Victoria B's COVID-19 experience

I've been wanting to write this diary entry but wasn't sure how to phrase it, where to start, etc. Then today I read in the news that our local town centre has exciting community events planned for the summer and winter, everything from a parade to fireworks to markets. I excitedly told my kids. My youngest said he couldn't remember a time before the virus (he turned five during the first lockdown, now he's six), my eldest (8) does remember and she's super extra excited. She's even asked me to buy tickets for the local theatre that she misses going too (which she prioritised over going to soft play - which I'm grateful for cos soft play is now £9 per child! For only an hour, it's crazy prices, I know they have to up their costs to make up for the lost year and lower capacity but it's so expensive, I can't believe it's actually cheaper now to take the kids to see a live theatre show than a soft play area). Luckily the towns first summer activity, a market and parade, is pencilled for the same day I get paid next month, so I'll be able to afford the travel costs to go there. And now I know upcoming dates and events I may be able to plan and budget again. But everything costs so much more now. Which is the whole point I wanted to write about recently. Before Covid I had money worries, but on income support the money I received was spaced out though the month (income support fortnightly and child tax credit weekly) that we always had enough money for a bus ticket and would use the month child benefit for days out. Then Covid hit and I was forced onto Universal Credit and a large part of how I was able to manage our current budget was because I wasn't paying for outings or even bus fare to town. I switched all my shopping, especially food shopping, online. The extra food costs were offset by the lower transport costs, we made it work. But now the lockdown is ending and those places we used to visit - beacon, play areas, parks, museums, beaches - are mostly free or low price to access (eg our theatre has a reduced price for families on benefits) but still got to worry about how to get to these opportunities. Bus fare for just me is £52 monthly. £11 for each kid, each week (child benefit barely covers that). Over £100 per month for transport costs alone but without the access to buses then my children will miss out on incredible opportunities. More simply put: pre-Covid I mostly had to balance low income with social and emotional opportunities for my kids (especially as we home school so those social meet ups are very important). During lockdown I had money worries + Covid worries and could worry less about the travelling worries (travel costs have always been largest bill after rent and food). Now lockdown is easing, I'm supposed to return to my pre-lockdown financial patterns and worries but that's impossible. Now I have all three concerns: low income + children's opportunity needs + Covid risk. I want to be excited about the lockdown ending but if anything the lockdown was a blessing in a sense. During lockdown I could say to myself "we can't go to that event because of lockdown, everyone is in the same boat, it's not my fault" but without lockdown I can only say to myself "we can't go to that event because we don't have the money for bus fare, not everyone is in this boat, those who aren't will say it's my fault" (the first is outside my control, the second I'm blamed for). I'm so scared for the second half of this year. I've no idea how we'll make it through the winter on Universal Credit when I'll most likely still be on Universal credit, only without the uplift + added travel costs + winter heating bills + by then we'll likely have another strain of covid to worry about. More stress post lockdown than during or before, like the two stress 'modes' have combined into a sense of impending doom and personal failure. It's very depressing. I make the best of each day, I plan and I budget, I do the best for my kids that I can. But inside I feel like I'm fading away, bit by bit, with each bill, each deduction, each job search, each wasted hope. I'm scared I'll run out of hope or every to keep fighting when I'm hungry and stressed and tired. How is this acceptable way for people to be treated? I didn't want to be on benefits, I'm in the position because I had no choice. No one sees benefits as a career goal. Yet I'm punished for something outside of my control. Millions of people in this country are punished for something they couldn't control or predict. I hate that so many children go hungry in this country. We're not "Great" Britain. We're "we-only-care-about-the-voters-who-pad-our-purses" Britain.

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