Victoria B on 21 December 2021

I seem to be in a state of perplexed perpetual panic of late. The fear a steady buzzing in my heart n brains that follows me like a cloud, no, a swarm of locusts. Eating at any enjoyment of whatever activities I try to encourage for my children or myself. Will this food last? Will there be another lockdown? Is that a cough cough or a covid cough? Does having had Delta protect from new type? Should we shield? Am I mentally strong enough to survive another lockdown? Are kids learning enough? Are they enjoying life enough? Will this emotionally scar them? Will we have enough food next month? What to do with internet if school does get lockdowned? Buzz buzz buzz over n over n over again. Day in day out. Did I wash my hands? Sanitise, sanitise, sanitise! Will we get kicked out cos of my cough? Will my lungs ever feel normal again? If I catch covid again will I be okay or would next one end me? Will kids be okay? Who'll love them if something happens to me? Some of my fears are larger than others, some overwhelm me in dread. What happens to my kids if I can't protect them? And some fears are much smaller. Will people hate me if they see me coughing? (Answer to that last one is invariably no as anytime I cough in public and I get the side eye I explain it's just left over from covid months ago n asthma and everyone follows that with stories of their own hellish covid experiences). I'm scared to have another lockdown, more scared of the isolation than the covid itself now. I'm not sure I can mentally sustain that level stress again, not with everything else I'm trying to juggle. All I want I'd to keep my kids safe. I wish it wasn't such an uphill battle. It's exhausting. Still, if there is another lockdown, least I've an army of mental locus to keep me n kids company, lucky me.

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